|
Friendship is Positive Emotion.
"If we don't have positive emotions together, we don't have a friendship at all," insists Dr. Paul Dobransky, whose four characteristics of friendship we're looking at this week from his book The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life .
As girlfriends we often say that we know who our real friends are when they stick around through the bad times. We believe that it's our duty to be present through the heartbreaks and life disappointments. In fact, we often don't feel close to someone until we've survived some yuck together. Crisis unites us. Secrets bond us. Tears connect us. So doesn't it feel a little shallow to hear a statement that implies that friendship is all about feeling good with each other?
Thus we must understand the fourth and final characteristic: Positive Emotion.
So you meet a woman you connect with, seemingly having things in common and feeling like the relationship could be mutually beneficial. You have a few lunch dates together where the consistent time together provides opportunities to share, your life more with each other. So far so good-- a friendship could be developing. She reveals that she's not happy in her job and you appreciate the honesty and want to be there for her while she navigates her choices. As the weeks pass, you hear that she's been in this job for years, hating it the whole time and doesn't seem to be moving on it as much as she is complaining about it. You start finding yourself drained after time with her. The negative energy is sapping you. You subconsciously avoid her, but then feel guilty when you realize it. And you vow to be a better friend so you suck it up and go hang out with her because you know she "needs" you.
Warning: This is not a friendship. It's a service, a cause or a project, but definitely not a friendship.
What's the difference between friends who go through things together, helping each other when one is down and the above scenario where someone leaves you feeling drained? In a friendship there is more positive energy between you than negative energy. Otherwise, why else have friends?
There has to be "money in the bank," when they need to make a withdrawal. (Or when you do!) If they don't put positive emotion in, then there isn't much to draw on when they need that support. You might choose to offer them a temporary loan, but if you don't see a payment plan in place, then this relationship is in the red. Which, again, is not a friendship.
Therefore, if someone who more often than not, feeds you and energizes you, then when it's painful-- you know it's temporary and can go through the fog with her. However, if this is someone who more often than not, exhausts you or leaves you feeling worse about yourself or life, then this might be someone you choose to help, but don't mistake that as a friendship.
A long-term friendship might be easier to assess. If a friendship is about two people raising each others' emotional energy levels and helping foster positive and good feelings then it goes without saying that, in the long-run, there has to be more drawing you in, than pushing you out.
When we're just meeting people, this becomes more difficult to know. Unfortunately, we most deeply feel our need for friends when life changes or hurts, after the divorce, the job loss or the move to a new place. Ideally, you have good friends in place before those times. Friends who know you are capable of positive emotion, even if it's not right now.
However, even with good friends in place, when life changes, we often need to open ourselves up to new friends-- friends that know what we're going through. So knowing how to make friends even when we're lonely, hurting or disappointed is important! How significant to remind ourselves that friendships don't occur simply by us sharing our pain with others. Friendships grow when we contribute to positive emotion. That is not to say that we should act like Pollyanna in our pain or hide our loss from others; rather, it's the awareness that there is someone else in this relationship besides us and our ache. And we need to feed that person too, helping raise them up, not bringing them down.
We all want to be in relationships where positive emotional energy is the absolute core.
My Positive Emotion Challenge:
1) Growing Myself as a Friend: If you error on one side-- is it more to being the friend that might risk draining people with your negative energy? Or might you be more the person who thinks you need to stay in every relationship where you're needed, even if it drains you? What do you want to do about that? How do you give positive energy to the people in your life? Do your friends seem drawn to hanging out with you? What do you do to contribute to their joy?
2) Fostering Friendships: If you believe that real friendships foster positive emotion, how does that inform your current relationships? Are there relationships that need to be repaired? Any relationships that might need to end, or might need to be redefined? As you're making new friends, what do you most need to be or do to help ensure that they are mature, healthy and positive?
Here's to friendship that is consistent, mutual, shared and positive!
|
(Must be a logged in member to Add a Comment)
|
|
Recent Posts
 | | Shasta Nelson founded GirlFriendCircles.com as a way to help introduce amazing women to potential girlfriends. Passionate about women, our relationships and our value to community, she’s inviting women to find those friends online, but make sure to take them offline to a cup of coffee too! |
|
|